I was made for one man. I know this as surely as I know my own name, and yet, there seems to be a divine barrier between me and the man who is to be my husband. I feel "shut up" from the world of men, in the way that Sarah, Hannah, and Elizabeth's wombs were shut up by the Lord. I find myself pleading before the Lord to make me fruitful in this barren place in my life, yet the heavens remain silent.
There are so many things that have been going on in my head. Patience, for sure, is one of them. Learning to wait and be still; to be hidden and unknown has been extremely difficult for me. I so long to be known fully! My desire is to learn intimacy with another and to grow in learning. The frustrating thing for me is that I cannot just go out and learn this...I am hindered by another, by a man I am not even sure I know yet. Why is he hidden? When will he come to meet me?
Fear keeps me from being vulnerable. I mean, God is soooo good to me, and daily He drowns me in his favor and love, and yet I still get so destroyed by this small (yet unchartable) area of my life. There are large places where I feel inadequate, unacceptable, and disinteresting.
It has always seemed to me as though I do follow in my biblical namesake's footsteps, Leah, the unlovely. Some days it still seems as though my verse in the Scripture would be, "Leah, whom the Lord has cut off from love..." Yet, I know I have grown older since those fearful days, and my faith dares to shout against this epitaph, and to declare the glory of the Lord in my barrenness. He has not forgotten me, though long are the days before His fulfillment! I will rejoice in His bounty because I know my appointed time is still to come.
And that's the thing. Everyone who waited in Scripture, every single one,
was granted this incredible story.
--Abraham receives Isaac through miraculous means, and not through Abraham's control or wisdom.
--Isaac receives Rebekah through an answer to a servant's prayer, and through them Israel is born.
--Joseph's dreams of his childhood were mocked as he is sold into slavery, thrown into jail, and forgotten by his fellow prison mates, yet he remains faithful, and is brought into a place of great wisdom, honor, and power in the end.
--The children of Israel, long in bondage, are miraculously rescued out of Egypt, by Moses, who has just spent 40 years hiding in a desert shepherding.
--Manoah and his wife are childless until God steps in and gives them Samson, Israel's greatest judge.
--David waits decades after his kingly annointing, hiding in caves, fearing for his life, losing his best friend before he can ascend the throne.
--Zechariah and Elizabeth spend their entire married life hoping for a child, until they pass the age of bearing, only to be blessed with being able to birth John, the forerunner to the Messiah.
--Jesus Himself spends 30 years in obscurity before His brief ministry and eternal plan of redemption is realized. Even now He waits until the Father declares it time to receive His full inheritance.
There is one whom I believe is well suited for me, and yet how does that even play out? I believe God wants me to be actively involved in my life, but then He wants to show me that He is the one who is in control; to prove that His way is sooo much better, ultimately so much higher and purer and more brilliant.
Do I really think that I can out think God?? That I am more creative, more inventive, more savvy in my planning and imagination? Boy, will He shatter those illusions with much grace and favor! How undeserving I am! How great and magnificent He is! May I never be tired of seeing His hand work in my life, even when I think that doors have been bolted and shut. He loves to work in the midnight hour! He accomplished His will in His timing, through their faith, in the men and women of Scripture. Oh why do I think He is tardy in my life? Why do I find His promises dusty? He is moving heaven and earth to weave the perfect tapestry in my life; full of his grace and His truth, and His love. Wait o my soul; those who waited had not only their lives changed, but the lives of the world around them for generations to come. The barren who conceived birthed prophets, patriarchs, judges, priests and the Messiah! How much greater their reward for their patience and hope during the darkness?
Oh my Father, make my life so much more than I could ever dream up, or hope for. Prove to me over and over again that You are good, that Your hand is not too short to save, that You do fulfill Your Word, that Your memory is not lacking, that You do own the cattle on a thousand hills, that Your plans do not waver, Your mind does not change as a man’s, that Your faithfulness is more consistent than the rising of the sun. Continue to teach me that You know I’m weak and frail, and Your Word is always followed by signs that are sent to bless us and teach us how trustworthy You are. Attune my ears to Your word; I want to hear Your direction in my life; I long to recognize Your hand, and Your instructions for me. Keep me ever closer to You. You are my life; You are my song and my day.
I am in love with a God who is nothing but good, and perfect, and sovereign. He has not forgotten me, nor could He ever. I am more precious to Him than I could ever fully come to know, and whatEVER He has for me is pure incredible grace. Learning these things about Him has done more for my soul than anything I could have hoped for. He used Scripture from Colossians, I Samuel, Hebrews, Daniel, Matthew, etc. Anywhere and everywhere from His lovely, rich word He was reminding me of His plans for me. And even though I still don’t know what they entail, or when they are coming to fruition, I know this: it is beyond my wildest and best dreams and imaginations. He is not bound by my resources, or my inventions, or even my hopes and prayers. He is so greater than those things, and that alone astounds me!
May this stand as a testimony of His favor before His favor in this has appeared!